My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
