I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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