I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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