I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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