I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
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Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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