i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
