now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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