Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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