I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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