I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
