Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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