my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
