Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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