I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
