Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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