MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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