i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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