I'm eating all of the evidence.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
