mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
