If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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