3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
