the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
