Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
