I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
