I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
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Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
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Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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