If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
