I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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