Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
