And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
