when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
