I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
