Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
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It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
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You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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