I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize
