how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
