So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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