your parents love me but you hate me
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
