There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
