i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
