Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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