Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
