I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
