just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
