I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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