Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
