I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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