Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
