im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
