so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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