My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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