Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
