how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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