There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
