He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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