He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
