I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
