Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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