Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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